A Messenger Once Told Me............

In 1996 I started to seek deep inside myself for the answers to life. Career, family, house, possessions; all began to dissolve. I tried to rebuild ........
It came undone again!
Fire in the tailbone area erupted, I could not sit!
I began to walk, that was nearly 20,000 miles ago. I have nearly walked the distance around the planet!
It gives you strong legs, lol~
After a 10 month long 24/7 nonstop pain, something happened.

I was trying desperately to deal with the pain by flooding the body with pain pills, OTCs, Nsaids and sometimes a little wine. One morning a friend asked if I wanted to go golfing. I like a fool........said "Yes", despite a back injury!
I thought two glasses of wine some prescription nsaids and some prescription pain pills ought to make my feel good enough to golf. I ingested all that and lit a cigarette. I only got half way through the cigarette when.............I felt like I was about to go unconscious. I threw up and noticed a salty taste to the wine colored vomit. I canceled the golf plans and returned home.
The next 3 days I had my kids and did not want lose that time, so I pretended to be ok; I was not! I could barely get up or down a flight of stairs without being winded and having to rest. The 3rd day, I was to drive my kids 60 miles to their other home, I could not. I went to local clinic to find out what was going on. They ran a test and said I lost 60% of my blood, I needed a transfusion! They said "Do you want us to call an ambulance?" I replied "No, I have a ride here." I went home to ponder this.......
I looked at my son and said "I do not think I am going to get up tomorrow. I am ok with that. I tried/did my best these last few years and am at peace with dying. Still, I have no blood flow to the brain and perhaps I am not thinking clear, if you want me to go .......I will go." My son said "I want you to go to the hospital dad." I went....

I was given to pints of blood and a boatload of pain called a 'potassium drip'. Don't let the name fool you, it should be called 'liquid FIRE drip'. It starts your veins on fire and then they throw ice on your arm which only freezes the outside skin! Fire and Ice, what a wonderful combination. Nothing like freezing and burning someone at the same time, the Inquisitors were all too kind. lol~ Good thing they not know this back then.

That night I got no rest, pain was my companion. In the morning I was taken for an endoscopy and told a doctor would be in to discuss the results. I did not want to do it, but did anyway.

Next thing I remember I was waking up in my room in quite a feeling of bliss, for a moment anyway. A doctor walked in and stood by the bed. He looked at me and said "THERE ARE A FEW THINGS IN YOUR LIFE YOU NEED TO CHANGE!!!!" I was slightly ticked off by his demeanor and replied "I already did, I quite the nsaids and cigarettes." He said "I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT, YOU NEED TO STOP THE COCAINE!!!!" Now I was really pissed! "I am not using cocaine, you are in the wrong room." I said. The doctor said I AM IN THE RIGHT ROOM!" I said "You have the wrong room and the wrong guy!" He added "I HAVE THE RIGHT ROOM AND THE RIGHT GUY, THE TESTS DO NOT LIE!!!!" What tests, I pondered as I said "You want the guy in the room next door." The doctor began to walk out, and I said "I did take some prescription pain pills, is that what you mean????" The doctor smiled and shook his head yes. He left the room.

I began to grow paranoid. "Why did he say I was using cocaine??" "Are the police coming??" "What is wrong with this place and why is the window glass 6 inches thick!!!??" By nightfall I could take no more. I called for a nurse and said "Unless you have a legal reason to hold me against my will, I am checking out early......NOW!" The nurse asked why and I told here about the doctor accusing me of using cocaine. She left to get her records. When she returned she said "What doctor? I have no record of a doctor coming to see you." I replied "What about the doctor who was suppose to see me after the endoscopy?" She looked at her records and said "Your tests turned out fine, there was no need for the doctor to see you."

I checked out and was most puzzled by the denial as well as the accusations. Anger began to boil inside. Anger grew and grew, it turned into a rage. After 2 days I could take no more. I screamed out to my Maker at the top of my lungs "[/b] Why??? Where are you!!??? For three years I sought YOU and this is what I get?"
Next, every painful betrayal experience came to the surface of my mind. I could not believe it, it felt like being kicked and stomped by a heard of buffalo as I lay on the ground. I t would not stop, over and over every memory was felt like it was the very moment itself. "Why!!!?? WHY!!!!?? What the hell is this for!!! Why?? I did my best and this is the reward......................sheer agony!!!"

This was my darkest night and it was not just one night, it was 300 days and nights long!

My heart was pounding and about to explode. I was about to die. "I" as Ego/Persona did die. I had a choice to make. I could Forgive and begin to heal or I could cling and this body would die clinging to grievances of days gone by. I do not know how........but I changed my mind! I chose to forgive. I began to scream again "I forgive everyone and everything." I kept that up for a few minutes and was then completely wiped out. I stopped to rest. I took a deep breath and had no more thoughts to air. I stopped thinking.

As I rested......as I paused......I heard a soft still voice within. It said That was no doctor, it was a Messenger." I laughed.......and laughed, then said "Good one God, you got me!!!" I could not believe it. The rage turned from fire to calmness, then to forgiveness and then to Freedom! That night I heard God for the first time or recognized it for the first time.

At home my back was in some serious pain and I wanted to take two vicodens and call it a day. As I took out the pills I recalled the messenger and the message. I flushed all the pills down the toilet and went to bed in pain. When I awoke the next morning, something was different......very different. A humming noise was filling my head. The pain in the back was completely gone! I felt a euphoric presence of Holy Spirit!! I was healed! I was super charged for the next thirty days. I could see things which could not be seen before. I could read thoughts, I could read feelings, I could read box labels without seeing the label, I could move with incredible speed and yet dance like it was all no effort at all. Then I remembered "The Kingdom Of Heaven is Within you." This is how it feels! Oh my God, oh my God, Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you for setting me Free.

Some difficult times were to come yet. This was not over. Heaven left or I left it, to learn some more hard lessons. I returned or it returned to me, several times since. Miracles surround my life now and are no stranger. I do not have all my wants fulfilled but what I need seems to come in mysterious ways. One last challenge has yet to be fulfilled. I do not know what it is. Still, I can feel it.

THis morning I wrote out on a card:
All I want to be is...........
A Shining Light .......
In A Dark World.........

God Bless You all.....

Truly Inspiring Story Sparrowhawk

To be able to share your story, is truly Wonderful, in times past i have had trouble sharing my feelings, until one day i decided to start, i know in the beginning it can be rough, but it gets much easier the more one shares their Experiences.

I went through a similar thing just the other day, after reading your post i started writing in a note book my feelings, as you suggested, and came to a realization that i needed to stop/remove the things that were holding me back. Judging people, criticizing, watching porn, & taking pain medication on a weekly basis. Forgiveness is the key for sure, the reason i was so Blind is i didn't know how to Forgive myself for all of my weaknesses.

I felt i was in this dark well, all my weaknesses in my life brought me here. I knew if i continued living this way, i would continue to be stuck in this well, until i wake up and stop/remove these things that were keeping me here. Once i made the decision to do this, i saw the Ladder, it was glowing with a Bright Light in a dark well, i looked up and finally saw how far down in the well i actually was, the opening at the top was a pin point. But now that i could see the ladder i could finally climb out.

Many Blessings

Wonderful......Spirit-Being!

Jacobs Ladder! The ladder of quickened consciousness.

I once was caught in the dark well and went into a deep meditation and asked:
"How do I heal??"

I entered what is termed "Pure Blissful Consciousness" ; no form, no light nor dark ......just Being, Life itself. Then I heard something out of the no-thing-ness; "Let it go, Let it go, Let it all go.........."

As I came back to form I said, "Let go of what!!!??? What does that mean!!!!??"

A few days passed and I came across a book; "The Secret Of Letting Go by Guy Finley". I studied it and practiced what I found. It was not easy to Let go at first, but I stuck to it..........and found the secret of letting go inside my self.

Later I came across another book as I needed to understand "forgiveness" at a deeper level; "Teach Only Love: The Twelve Principles of Attitudinal Healing by Gerald Jampolsky M.D."
After 60 days of writing down my feelings.......and they were quite dark, I found a deeper forgiveness and it transformed me once again.

It takes much time and effort to break free of the illusions of form/dualistic belief, but all effort is rewarded and makes the difficulties worth facing.

Love and Truth, a deeply peaceful Life, are the rewards which never leave us; this is all we can take with us when we depart this place. I choose to become them so I have something of value to leave here with.

Thank-you for sharing........

Wow Sparrowhawk, I felt that in my veins. God Bless You! (-:

Spirit Being, God Bless You too, so nice you found your ladder. Yeaaaaaaaaah! Huggs, Linda (-:

"....A Shining Light .......
In A Dark World.........

God Bless You all..... " by SparrowHawk


awesome, love the way you are learning...."living"....LOL